Nonsense for old and young

a

NSENSE

FOR OLD &yOUNG,

By Eugene Field.
idtedjbf John C, Frohn.

HENRYA.DICKERMAN &SONf
Publishers, BOSTON.

THE LIBRARY

OF

THE UNIVERSITY
OF CALIFORNIA

LOS ANGELES

Eugene Field.

Nonsense

FOR.

Old and Young'

By EUGENE FIELD

Illustrated by
JOHN C. FROHN

BOSTON

Henry A. DicKerman <& Son

PUBLISHERS
M CMI

Henry A.

DicKerman
A Son.

1 A little nonsense

now and then,
Is relisHed by

the best o£ men."

Oliver

\» -Wendell

Holmes.

PS

A Fore-word.

N compiling this volume we have en-
deavored to add pictorially to the amuse-
ment in these funny conceits from Field's
versatile brain.

The majority of the sketches herein, appeared
in the Denver Tribune, under the title of The
Tribune Primer, with various sub-titles, begin-
ning Monday, Oct. 10, 1881, and ending Monday,
Dec. 19, of the same year. The entire number
of these quips was about 162, of which 94 were
first published in book form as The Tribune
Primer, in 1881. The balance, with the excep-
tion of five which are so local in their application
that they have now lost some of their fine sar-
castic humor, we here present for the first time
with illustrations.

In their original form the sketches were
designated by Roman Numerals instead of titles
and were made up of short sentences, with a
liberal display of capital letters after the style
of first lessons in reading for children.

THE; PUBLISHERS.

Nonsense for Old (SL Yoting.

One Autumn Nig'Ht.

CAL,M, delightful autumn night ;
A moon's mysterious, misty light ;
A maiden at her window height,
In proper robe of fleecy white.

Nonsense for Old and Young.

The little wicket gate ajar ;

A lover tripping from afar,

With, tuneful voice and light guitar,

To woo his radiant guiding star.

The lute gave forth a plaintive twang-
Oh, how that doting lover sang !
A bull-dog with invidious fang —
A nip, a grip, and then a pang !

A maiden swooning in affright.
A lover in a piteous plight,
A canine quivering with delight —
A wild, delirious autumn night !

Nonsense for Old and Young.

A Portrait of a. Lady.

we have a Lady. She was at a

Party last Night, and the

Paper spoke of her as

the Amiable and Accom-
plished Wife of our Respected
Fellow Citizen. Our Respected
Fellow Citizen is now as Full as
a Tick, and his Amiable and
Accomplished Wife is" Walloping him with the
Rolling Pin. The L,ady seems to be more
Accomplished than Amiable.

'Would You?

this a Picture of an Actress ? No, it
is a Picture of a Boodle
Politician. Is it not Beau-
tiful ? The left Eye is
Closed. It must be Tired. He is
Sitting on a Barrel. It must be a
Barrel of Jam. Would you like
to get your Little Hand into the
Ban-el? We Would.

12 Nonsense for Old and Young.

Good James and Naughty Reginald.

BNCB upon a Time there was a Bad boy
whose Name was Reginald and there
was a Good boy whose Name was James.
Reginald would go Fishing when his
Mamma told him Not to, and he Cut off the
Cat's Tail with the Bread Knife one Day, and
then told Mamma the Baby had Driven it in
with the Rolling Pin, which was a Lie. James
was always Obedient, and when his Mamma
told him not to Help an old Blind Man across
the street or Go into a Dark Room where the
Boogies were, he always Did What She said.

Nonsense for Old and Young. 13

That is why they Called him Good James.
Well, by and by, along Came Christmas.
Mamma said, You have been so Bad, my son
Reginald, you will not Get any Presents from
Santa Claus this Year ; but you, my Son James,
will get Oodles of Presents, because you have
Been Good. Will you Believe it, Children,
that Bad boy Reginald said he didn't Care a
Darn and he Kicked three Feet of Veneering off
the Piano just for Meanness. Poor James was
so sorry for Reginald that he cried for Half an
Hour after he Went to Bed that Night. Reginald
lay wide Awake until he saw James was Asleep
and then he Said if these people think they can
Fool me, they are Mistaken. Just then Santa
Claus came down the Chimney. He had lots of
Pretty Toys in a Sack on his Back. Reginald
shut his Eyes and Pretended to be Asleep.
Then Santa Claus Said, Reginald is Bad and I
will not Put any nice Things in his Stocking.
But as for you, James, I will Fill your Stocking
Plumb full of Toys, because You are Good. So
Santa Claus went to Work and Put, Oh ! heaps
and Heaps of Goodies in James' stocking but
not a Sign of a Thing in Reginald's stocking.
And then he Laughed to himself and Said, I
guess Reginald will be Sorry to-morrow because
he Was so Bad. As he said this he Crawled up
the chimney and rode off in his Sleigh. Now
you can Bet your Boots Reginald was no Spring
Chicken. He just Got right Straight out of Bed
and changed all those Toys and Truck from

Nonsense for Old and Young.

James' stocking into his own. Santa Claus will
Have to Sit up all Night, said He, when he
Expects to get away with my Baggage. The
next morning James got out of Bed and when
He had Said his Prayers he Limped over to his
Stocking, licking his chops and Carrying his
Head as High as a Bull going through a Brush
Fence. But when he found there was Nothing
in his stocking and that Reginald's Stocking was
as Full as Papa Is when he comes home Late
from the Office, he Sat down on the Floor and
began to Wonder why on Earth he had Been
such a Good boy. Reginald spent a Happy
Christmas and James was very Miserable. After
all, Children, it Pays to be Bad, so Long as you
Combine Intellect with Crime.

His Busy Day.

TlHIS Man is very Busy. He is pushed
I for Time. He looks as if
he had more on his Hands
than he could accom-
plish. We feel Sorry for him.
He has an Important Engage-
ment to Keep, and he is Hurry-
ing up Matters to Meet it. He is to be Hung
at Noon to-morrow.

Nonsense for Old and Young. 15

THe Joyful Whirligig.

HiB is a Sewing Machine. It was
I Made for little Children to
play with. Put your Feet
on the Treadles and Make
the Wheels go round Fast. See
how the Thread unwinds and the
Needle bobs up and down ! This
is Lots of Fun. Do not Deny baby
the privilege of Putting his Fat little Finger
under the Needle. It will Make pretty holes
in the Finger and give Baby something to
occupy his Attention for a Long time.

A Fairy Tale.

RE we have Papa's watch. There is
a Fairy in the Watch.
Would you Like to
Hear her Sing? If
you will Drop the Watch
on the Floor, the Fairy in
the Watch will Sing the
Prettiest little Song you ever 'j
Heard and all the Wheels
will Buzz just as Funny as can Be. When
papa Comes home and finds the Fairy has been
Singing, maybe he will Ask you to Step out
into the Woodshed with him on a Matter of
Business.

16

Nonsense for Old and Young.

An EpitapK.

lies the body of Mary Ann
Who rests in the bosom of Abraham.
It's all very nice for Mary Ann,
But it's mighty tough on Abraham.

Nonsense for Old and Young. 17

Tne Hustler Hustling*.

[AT is that I see ? That my Child,
is the News Interviewer,
and he is now Interview-
ing a Man. But where

is the Man? I can see no Man.

The Man, my Child is in his

Mind.

TKe Maid of Orleans.

|ERE is a Molasses jug. It is Full of

Molasses. How

many Flies are

there in the Mo-
lasses ? That is a Hard
one to Answer. Those

flies will lyook Proud spread out on Sister
Lucy's buckwheat Cakes in the Morning. But
L,ucy will not Care. She will pick them out of
the Molasses with her Taper Fingers, and Wipe
them on the Bottom of her Chair. But if her
Beau were there she would Yell and say, Oh,
how Horrid. The strength of a Woman's
Stomach depends Largely on the surroundings.

iS

Nonsense for Old and Young.

Fancy vs. Fact.

MiABEIv is sitting at the Piano, and she is
I Singing a Song. The Song Says he is
Waiting for Her in the Gloaming.
Mabel appears to be giving herself Dead
Away. He is Not Waiting for her In the
Gloaming at all. He has just Drawn a bobtail
Flush, and he is Wondering whether he had
Better Pull out or stand in on a Bluff. Mabel
would Touch a Responsive Chord in his Bosom
if she were to Sing take Back the Hand which
thou Gavest.

Nonsense for Old and Young. 19

Society as Reported.

TirilS is a Recherch6 Affair. Recherche"
I Affairs are sometimes
Met with in Parlors
and Ball Rooms but
more Generally in the Soci-
ety Department of News-
papers. A Recherche1 Affair
is an Affair where the Society
Editor is invited to the Refreshment Table.
When the Society Editor is told his Room is
Better than his Company, the Affair is not
Recherche.

A Musical Genius.

WIHO is the Man? The Man is Admiral
I McLean and he is Get-
ting Ready to Sing. Can
the Admiral Sing ? Those
who have heard him Say he Can
Not. Has he ever Sung a Song
Through ? Nobody can Tell.
Why can Nobody Tell? Be-
cause every Body walks Away when he
Begins for to Sing.

Nonsense for Old and Young.

THe Nervy Drummer.

|S this a Brass Foundry ? No, it is a
Travelling Man. He carries big Trunks
all over the Country and Makes Love to
Dining room Girls. He has Been all
Over and Under Europe and Taken in all the
Great Masters. He has Scoured the Alps
clean. He can Tell more Smutty Stories than
a Politician, and he can get Bilin' slower on
More Liquor than any Government official.
The best Way to get along with the Travelling
men is to get along Without them.

Nonsense for Old and Young.

Lunar Lore.

A Satellite is

THE Moon is a Satellite.
I a Sort of Associate

Editor. It revolves

around Somebody
Else and gets full on Four
Quarters. The Moon is a
great Way from the Earth.
It would Take a Street Car
16,000,000,239 years to
Make the Distance. A Snail could Make it in
half that Time. Break a piece of Glass out of
Mamma's mirror, Smoke it over the I,amp, and
look at the Moon through it.

is

TKe Senator.

$ we have a Senator. He

Proud Bird. He has

been Renominated

and he is Happy.
And who is the Bird with
the Senator ? It is one of
his constituents. Is he
Happy? Yes, he too is
Happy because the Senator
is Happy. But not too Happy. Just Happy
Enough.

Nonsense for Old and Young.

A. Colonial Accident.

ANDRfi was a British officer.
Benedict Arnold hired him for Four
Dollars a day to go as Spy into the
American Camp and hear the News.
He carried important Papers in his Boots, and,
upon being Arrested by the Americans, the
Papers were found. Then they said they would
hang him. He was sorry for what he had Done
and Said he was going to Heaven. He fell with
a Dull, Sickening Thud. They are going to
Build a Monument to him, not because he did
Wrong, but because he got Caught.

Nonsense for Old and Young.

A Natural MistaRe.

S this an Ass? No, this is the Editor
of a paper at Cen-
tral City. Oh, what
a Mistake ! No, my

Child, the Mistake was a '^§BUI(*a*&*((

Natural one. You would

not Insult an Ass, would

you?

Luminous

S this a nre? No, it is not a fire. It

is the Judge of the

County Court. Why

did you think it was a
fire ? Because it looked so Red.
The Judge is a Nice Man. He
writes Articles about the Gov-
ernor. You must not Mistake
Him for a Fire again. But you may Compare
him with the Warm, Sensuous glow of a Nea-
politan Sunset.

Nonsense for Old and Young.

"Oft in tKe Stilly Nig'Ht.'

»j |ABY and I in the weary night

Are taking a walk for his delight ;
I drowsily stumble o'er stool and chair
And clasp the babe with grim despair,
For he's got the colic
And paregoric
Don't seem to ease my squalling heir.

Nonsense for Old and Young. 25

Baby and I in the morning gray
Are griping and squalling and walking away —
The fire's gone out and I nearly freeze —
There's a smell of peppermint on the breeze.

Then Mamma wakes

And baby takes
And says, " Now cook the breakfast, please."

A Sad, Sad Stos-y.

E young Man is Reading a Letter
and seems Deeply Agi-
tated. Maybe it is a
Letter from his Sweet-
Heart, and she has Given him
the Grand Bounce. How his
Breast Heaves and how his
Heart must Throb under his
Celluloid Shirt Front. The Letter is from
His Tailor. Let us not Invade the Secrecy
of the poor Young man's Grief.

Nonsense for Old and Young.

S

Fashion Notes.

JPPERS should be worn High on

Bad little Boys this

Winter.

Fashionable Corns are to be
Trimmed with Steel-Blue Ra-
zors this Season.

Red Pepper worn on Hot Stoves continues
to Create quite a Sensation in the Best Social
Circles.

The Chivalrous Editor.

TIS is an Editorial Writer. He is
I Writing a Thoughtful

Piece about the De-

generacy of the Age.
He talks about the good old
Times when Men were Manly
and Youthful Breasts were
Pregnant with Chivalry. By
and by he Will go Home and
L,ick his wife for not Cutting up enough Cord
Wood for the kitchen Fire in the Morning, and
he will Spit tobacco all over his daughter
Esther's new silk Gown.

Nonsense for Old and Young. 27

Easy Mathematics.

|F you are good at addition, put down a
column of figures, five figures in a row,
and the sum will represent
the age of Clara Louise
Kellogg.

Suppose a man with a bottle
of whiskey were to set down
the bottle and carry the whiskey, what would

the result be ?

^

If one gallon of coal oil will blow up a kitchen
stove, how much Kansas City gin is required to
make a man feel like a barn afire ?

If a Pueblo bed-bug can travel seventy rods
in one hour, when there is nothing ahead to en-
courage him, how many miles will he travel in
ten minutes to meet a fat man from Cheyenne ?

A Mean Man.

CHICAGO Papa is so Mean he Wont
let his Little Baby have
More than One Measle
at a time.

Nonsense for Old and Young.

THe Office Towel.

this a Corner Lot? No it is a Towel.
It has been serving an Apprenticeship
in a Printing Office for the past Four
Years. The horses are Dragging it
Away. A man will Take an Ax and Break the
Towel into Pieces and Boil it for Soap Grease.
Then he will sell the Towel for Tripe. If you
find a Piece of Tripe with a Monogram in one
Corner, you may Know it is the Towel.

Nonsense for Old and Young.

29

Scandal on Foot.

Wi±iAT is that Walking along the Street ?
I That, my Son, is a State
Senator. Will you not Tell
me all About it? No, my
Son, you are too Young to hear
Scandal.

Tne Old T. D.

S it a Pipe? Yes it is Papa's Pipe

and it Has not been

Cleaned out for Four

months. It is full of
Ashes and Spit. It would
not Hurt the Pipe if you
were to Take several good
long Sucks at it.

3o Nonsense for Old and Young.

THe Awful Bugaboo.

TJHERB was an awful Bugaboo
I Whose Eyes were Red and Hair was

Blue;
His Teeth were Long and Sharp and

white
And he went Prowling 'round at Night.

Nonsense for Old and Young. 31

A little Girl was Tucked in Bed,
A pretty Night Cap on her Head ;
Her Mamma heard her Pleading Say,
" Oh, do not Take the Lamp away ! "

But Mamma took away the Lamp
And oh, the Room was Dark and Damp ;
The little Girl was Scared to Death —
She did not Dare to Draw her Breath.

And all at Once the Bugaboo

Came Rattling down the Chimney Flue ;

He Perched upon the little Bed

And scratched the Girl until she bled.

He drank the Blood and Scratched again-
The little Girl cried out in Vain —
He picked Her up and Off he Flew —
This Naughty, Naughty Bugaboo !

So, children, when in Bed to-night,
Do n't let them Take away the Light,
Or else the Awful Bugaboo
May come and Fly away with You !

32 Nonsense for Old and Young.

The National Debt.

we have a Greenbacker.

seems Troubled about

Something. He is

Troubled about the Na-
tional Debt. He is Grieving
because the Country of his
Nativity owes one Billion Dol-
lars. The other Man around
the Corner is a Grocery Man. He, too, is
Troubled, but he is not Worrying about the
National Debt. Oh, no. He is Worrying about
the one Dollar and Forty cents the Greenbacker
owes him.

Johnny's Alphabet.

STANDS for Apple, so hard and so

Green —
B stands for Boy who is

going away —
C stands for colic that Soon will be

seen —

D stands for Devil that's shortly to
pay.

Nonsense for Old and Young. 33

THANKSGIVING TALES

For tHe Profit of the Nursery Brigade.

Tale I — Prolog.

TJHIS little Boy looks as if he had On his
I Father's clothes. Maybe he Has not
had Anything to Eat for a Month. He
is Sitting on a Stool. He is Waiting
for Something. His hands are clasped over his
Stomach. Can he be Waiting for his Thanks-
giving Dinner? What a Queer little Boy to
Wait so Patiently ? If he were to Cry, he
would get his Dinner Sooner, wouldn't he ?

34 Nonsense for Old and Young.

Tale II — Succulent Soup.

N the Tureen there are two Gallons of
Soup and Eleven Cove oysters. Do not
Be Afraid. The Soup is Pretty Hot,
but it will not Burn you. If it is too
Hot, you can Spit it out on the Carpet. Do
you like Cove oysters ? They are Baby oysters
Taken out of the Shell before they are Hatched.
Some People dry them and use them for Gun
Wads. They are [much more Digestible than
sole leather.

Nonsense for Old and Young. 35

Tale III — Tempting TtirKey.

a Big Fat Turkey it is ! It must
have eaten lots of Worms and Caterpil-
lars to be so Fat. It is stuffed with nice
Stuffing made of Old Crusts and spoiled
Biscuits. The Gravy looks Quite Tempting.
It does not Look like Tobacco Juice, does it ?
The Innards of the Turkey have been Chopped
up and are in the Gravy. Unless the Cook was
very Careful while Chopping up the Innards,
there is a Piece of her Finger in the Gravy, too.
Will you Try some of the Turkey? Take a
Drum Stick, the Pope's Nose, a Side Bone, the
Neck , some of the Breast and the Wishbone.
If that is not Enough, ask Mamma please Can
you have some More.

36 Nonsense for Old and Young.

Tale IV — Various Vegetables.

T"HHE vegetables smell good. Two or
I three of these Onions would make you
Stronger. Suppose you Try some of
the Turnip and Squash. Pickled Beets
are also Good to Eat just before going to Bed.
The mashed Potato is healthy when There are
no Potato Bugs in it. They are very Plenty
this Year. Will you put Some Jelly on Your
Bread ? How Mad it would Make your Big sis-
ter Jennie to Tip the Jelly over in her lap.
Suppose you Try it as a Joke.

Nonsense for Old and Young.

Tale V — Venerable Venison.

ERE we Have Some Venison. It may
Taste a trifle Venerable for it has been
hanging Up in the Shed for Several
Weeks. But Papa says it is not Fly
Blown, and Everything Goes on Thanksgiving
Day. Once the Venison was a little Deer and
lived in the Mountains. A man Caught it and
Hung it up on a Tree and cut its poor little
Throat and let it Bleed to Death. What a Bad
Man. Perhaps the Deer's baby deers are cry-
ing for their Mamma who will Never come.

38 Nonsense for Old and Young.

Tale VI — Peptonic Pudding.

T"lHE Hired Girl is bringing on the Pud-
I ding and it is a Daisy. We mean the
Pudding. It is full of Plums. Make
Mamma give you a Big Piece of the
Pudding with Ever so many Plums in it. If
we Were you, we would Swallow the Plums
whole and Then they will stay By You longer.
When you have Eaten the Pudding, pick your
little Dish up and Drink the Sauce.

Nonsense fof Old and Young. 39

Tale VII — Painful Pie.

T1HERE are Three Kinds of Pie — Cocoa-
I nut Pie, Lemon Pie and Mince Pie.
They are the Only Kinds of Pie little
children should Eat. You will do Well
to Try them All. As much Pie as Possible
under the circumstances would be Proper.
The best way to Eat Pie is to Take it up in
your Fingers. This is Liable to make Pretty
little Spots on your Shirt Front. Do you sup-
pose by Trying Hard you could Slip a Piece of
the Lemon Pie into your Pocket to Eat after
you go to Bed to-night.

4o

Nonsense for Old and Young.

Tale VII — Fretful Fruit.

what Beautiful fruit! Apples,
Oranges, Bananas, Grapes, Pears and
Figs ! Make a Grab for them or you
May not Get any. Good little children
Eat grapes, skin and all. I wonder if the Figs
have Worms in them. But never Mind : this is
no Time for Questions. Your Mamma says
Orange Juice will Stain your Frock, but it Will
Not. What Fun it would be to Squirt some
Orange Juice in the Dear Little Baby's Eyes !

Nonsense for Old and Young.

Tale IX — Innocent Ice Cream.

HA, here Comes the Ice Cream. About
two Plates apiece will be Enough for the
Children. Ice Cream is Funny Stuff.
You eat it and feel it in your Eye.
When you have Eaten all you Want, you will
Find it right Jolly to Pick the Ice Cream up in
your Fingers and Paddle it Around in your
Tumbler of Water.

Nonsense for Old and Young.

Tale X — Nutritious Nuts.

IE RE we Have the Nuts. They are good
for Children. Crack them with your
Teeth. Be sure to Drop the Shells on
the Floor for the Cat to Eat. Do not
Forget to put a Good Many in your Pocket for
the Poor Ijttle blind Girl who Lives around the
Corner.

Nonsense for Old and Young.

43

Tale XI — Wierd and Woful.

T"lHIS little Boy looks too Big for his
I Clothes. He must have been Measured
when he Had the Ague. Mamma will
Have to take off His Vest with a But-
ton Hook to-night. What makes the Boy so
pale ? He has his Hands gathered together over
his Diaphragm. Is the Boy Sick ? The Boy
is Sick. Maybe he has Swallowed something
that does not Agree with Him.

44

Nonsense for Old and Young.

Tale XII Enter the Diligent Doctor.

fTTTlHO is the Man coming through the

[ W I Door ? He is the Doctor. This is the

| Worst Symptom of the Boy's Illness we

have Seen yet. How can the Boy get

Well now ? The Doctor asks Mamma how the

Boy is. Mamma is crying. The Doctor says

he can Fix the Boy.

Nonsense for Old and Young.

Tale XIII Exit tKe Beautiful Boy.

|HE Doctor has Fixed the Boy.

46

Nonsense for Old and Young.

Tale XIV — Epilog.

Hi we have a Cemetery. Can you see
• the Little grave Stone over there ? It
is very Cute. There must be a Boy
Planted somewhere Near it. Wouldn't
you I<ike to be Planted under a Cute little Stone
like That ? Unless you do Justice to your
Dinner to-day you cannot Hope for such a
Reward of Merit.

Nonsense for Old and Young.

47

Beautiful Hortense.

MiISS Hortense is working a Beautiful
I Piece of Embroidery. It

is a Motto in Green and

Gold. It asks What is
Home without a Mother. When
Miss Hortense gets it Done, she
will Give it to her Beau, who
Tends a Dry Goods counter. You
cannot see Miss Hortense 's Mother. She is in
the Back Yard doing the Week's Washing.
By and by she will be Bringing in Coal for the
Parlor Stove, because Miss Hortense's beau is
Coming to-night.

A Toilet Episode.

AMMA'S Tooth-brush is on the Bureau.

Suppose we scrub

out the Sink with

it. Then Mamma
will wonder what she has
Eaten to give her such a
Bad Breath. She will Think the Tooth-brush
has been Sitting up with a Corpse.

48 Nonsense for Old and Young.

A Terrible Monster.

O^, what an awful Sight ! It is
J Editor of the Colorado Springs
Gazette. He has Long, White
Teeth and there is Blood on
his gums. He is a Bad Man and he
has just Eaten a Poor Little Baby.
He is trying to get the Capital Re-
moved. If he gets the Capital Removed, he
will Eat a Poor Little Baby every Day. You
must Tell your Dear Papa not to vote to have
the Capital Removed.

Poor Pussy*

H^lERE we have a Dornick and a Cat.
I The Cat is Approaching the

Well. She thinks there is a

Mouse there. Suppose we
approach the well with the Dor-
nick. There is no Mouse as we
Can See. Perhaps the Mouse is
at the Bottom of the Well. Let
us Hitch the Dornick to the Cat
and Put Them in the Well. Then the Cat will
not Come back without the Mouse.

Nonsense for Old and Young. 49

A FisK Story.

S^IEE the Fish. The Fish is a Trout and
J Breathes through his Ears.
He lives in a Brook and May
be if you try you can Catch
him. Any little Boy who catches
so many measles ought to be Able
to Catch one little Fish. The
Trout Weighs four Ounces, but
you can say he weighs four Pounds. Do not
call him a Speckled Beauty or you will be Shot.
Eat him, Head, Tail, Inwards and All, and get
a little Bone in your Throat if you Can.

Beware.

H, children you Must never chew

Tobacco — it is Awful !
The Juice will Quickly make

You sick,

If once you get your Maw
Full.

— S,J. Tilden.

Nonsense for Old and Young.

The Vigilant Cop.

DO not Make a Noise or you will Wake
the Policeman ! He is Sitting on the
Door Step asleep. It is very Hard on
Him to Have to Sleep out of Doors these
Cold Nights. There is a Bank being Robbed
around the Corner and a Woman is being killed
in the next Block. If the Policeman Waked
up, he might Find it out and Arrest somebody.
Some people Believe this is what Policemen are
for, but the Policemen do not Think so.

Nonsense for Old and Young. 51

Something Doing.

|S this a Cemetery ? No, it is a Picture

of Pueblo during the

Busy Season. Do you

see the Man Patting
the Dog on the Back and
Promising him a Bone if he
will lie Down and Go to Sleep
again ? This is What they
Call an Intensely Exciting Sensation in Pueblo.
The Earth is going to Live five hundred Million
years Longer, and Pueblo expects to be the
State Capital before the End of that Time.
You will not Live to see it the Capital — or, at
least, you ought to Hope Not.

Poor Little Bennie.

NNIE is Lying in the Cradle and he is

Crying because Mam-

ma will not give him

the Moon. What a
Naughty Mamma not to Give
her little Boy the Moon
But Mamma does not care
how much Bennie Cries. She
has a Son, and the Moon can go to Thunder.

Nonsense for Old and Young.

Our Motor Press.

this Not a Beautiful steam Press ?

The Steam is Lying Down

on the Floor taking a Nap.

He came from Africa and
is Seventy years Old. The press
Prints Papers. It can Print
nine hundred papers an Hour.
It takes One hour and Forty
Minutes to Print the Edition of
the Paper. The paper has a circulation of
Thirty-seven Thousand. The Business Man-
ager says So.

Freedom Defined.

fTTTlHY is this great and glorious country |
I W I called America? Prin-
|j cipally because that is
its name. Can you
bound it ? No, because it is
a republic and will not be
be bound.

Nonsense for Old and Young. 53

A Political Object Lesson.

you see that Candidate over There !
He is standing still. He is a
Democratic Candidate. If he
were a Republican he Would
be Running. Democratic Candidates
are not real Candidates. They can
not Run. They do not even Walk.
When you are very Tired and Want
to rest you ought to Become a Democratic
Candidate.

Honesty on tne R.un.

JF a poor but honest voter chases a

reformer four blocks in

ten hours, how many

blocks will he have to go
to catch him? This depends al-
together on the location of the
Bank.

54

Nonsense for Old and Young.

THe TrtttK About tKe Cherry Tree.

IHO was George Washington ? He was

Mrs. Washington's little Boy. One Day
he went out in the Orchard and got the
Hired Man to chop down a cherry tree.
"Who has done this Deed ?" asked George's
mother that Very Afternoon. There was Blood
in the Old Lady's Eye. In order not to get
fired, the Hired Man gave George two marbles
and a Top to say he Did it. " Mamma," said
George, " I cannot Tell a lyie. I Done it with
the Ax." Whereupon his Mother compli-
mented him on his Truthfulness, but gave him
One in the Neck for using Bad Grammar.

Nonsense for Old and Young. . 55

An Ode to a Cat.

HUNGRY Cat —
A foolish Rat.

A lively Run —

Exciting Fun.

Ferocious Jaws —
Remorseless Claws.

A dying Squeal —

A hearty Meal.

Alas, poor Rat !
O happy Cat !

Out! Boogies!

DID you ever see a Bugaboo? Ask
J Mamma to Blow out

the Light to-night after

you Go to Bed and Let
you See a Bugaboo? It has
a Big Voice like a Bear, and
its Claws are as long as a
Knife. It will Bite Good
Little Children and Run off
with them to the Cold Dark Woods where they
can Never see Mamma any More. If you are
Good, Beware of Bugaboos.

Nonsense for Old and Young.

Hot Air vs. Cold Water.

S1EE the Wind Mill. It is a Pretty Sight.
I It has Sails that go Round and Round
and Make a Noise like the Whirring of
a bird's wings. The Wind Mill Looks
Sad. It has had Hard Luck. It used to be a
Democratic politician and Furnish Enthusiasm
for Arapahoe county Campaigns. But Wind
will not Run a Campaign and so the Wind Mill
lost its Job. And now it Stands out on a Bleak
Prairie and Hauls water out of the Cold, hard
Earth for a living. Any Kind of Honest Labor
is awful rough on a Democrat, but Having Any-
thing to Do with Water breaks him All Up.

Nonsense for Old and Young.

57

The "Worried Magnate.

WJHO is the old man I see? The old
I man is a Railroad
Builder, and his
brow is clouded.
Why is his brow clouded ?
It is clouded because this is
Monday and he cannot build
any railroad track. Why can
he not build railroad track
on Monday ? Because he is pious and remem-
bers the Sabbath day to keep everybody he can
hire wholly — busy. He only builds on Sun-
day. This is the reason he is so much respected
in saloons and other mercantile establishments.

His Day of Rest.

S this a Sunday ? Yes, it is a Sunday.
How Peaceful and Quiet
it is. But Who is the
Man ! He does not Look

Peaceful. He is a reporter and he

is Swearing. What makes him

Swear ? Because he has to Work

on Sunday ? Oh, no ! He is

Swearing because he has to Break the Fourth

Commandment. It is a sad thing to be a

Reporter.

Nonsense for Old and Young.

The Foxy Compositor.

But

HiAS the Printer tobacco ? He has
I he will not Tell you So.

He carries it in the Leg

of his Boot and when he
wants a Chew he Sneaks down
in the Back Alley where Nobody
can See him. When he Spits
tobacco, it Sounds like a Duck
diving in the Water. The prin-
ter is a Queer man. He is a Fickle person.
Sometimes he has Ten thousand Ems on the
string, but they are Always his Dupes. If you
are a Printer, Do not Be a Blacksmith or you
will get Fired.

'Tis sad — tHere's an

end to all good

things.

Other Field Books.

Eugene Field Book . . . . $0.60

Field — DeKoven Song Book . .2.00

Holy Cross and Other Tales . . . 1.25

House, The . . . . . .1.25

Little Book of Profitable Tales . . 1.25

Little Book of Western Verse . . 1.25

Love Affairs of Bibliomaniac . . 1.25

Love-songs of Childhood i .00

Lullaby-land . . . . . .1.50

Second Book of Tales . . . .1.25

Second Book of Verse . . . .1.25

Sketch of Field, by Francis Wilson . 1.25

Songs and Other Verse . . . .1.25

Songs of Childhood . . . i .00

With Trumpet and Drum . . . i .00

Life and Letters. S.Thompson . . i.oo

Echoes from Sabine Farm . . . 2.00

The Tribune Primer. Illustrated . .50

Sharps and Flats. 2 vol. . , . 2.50

Jure Cure for the glues

The Funniest.BooK in Print.

THE TRIBUNE
PRIMER

BY EUGENE FIELD.

WithongmalillustrationsbyJoHNC.ntoHN

BOSTON, MASS.

HENRYA.DICKERMAN&SON.

PUBLISHERS I9OO.

It won't make
a horse laugh
because it wasn't
written for
horses : — but any
person who can
read this book
through without
laughing must
have an impedi-
ment in his
smilax.

New copyright
edition; gilt
edge, bound in
art cloth, printed
on Bengalore
book paper from
English type,
illustrated with
ninety-four o f
the most comical
pen andj ink
"skits" ever
seen. Original

poster cover in two colors, that will appeal to your

bump of humor. Price 50 cents at your dealers, or of

the publishers

Henry A. DicRerman <a Son

55 Franklin Street, Boston, Mass.

N. B.—A handsome POSTER free with every copy.

A SOFT WORD

FROM
Robert J. Burdette

REGARDING

"What Happened to Wiggles wort H "
#

Abraham Lincoln once said, "God must love plain
people, because he made so many of them." Then
humor must be heaven born, because it glorifies the
commonplace.

Mr. Fuller's humor has no need of the finger post of
an introduction. His manner bears no stamp save that
of his own personality. His characters introduce them-
selves as old friends, who try to surprise us by thinly
disguised voices, by the change of a beard, or the inno-
cent assumption of ignorance of our identity. The
people concerning whom Mr. Fuller writes in these
chronicles, he would have us believe dwell in Maine.
But I knew them in Illinois ; you have them in New
York ; they are your neighbors in California. We re-
cognize them as old friends. Some busy years have
separated us ; a multitude of cares have swarmed into
our lives and driven them out of our thought, and
grateful are we that this apostle of humor suddenly
turns the limelight of his humor upon the stage of this
old work-a-day world of ours, revealing the little group
of actors to our gaze saying, " Did you ever see these
people before?" And our ready, happy looks of glad
and instant recognition contradict our "No we never
did" that goes with the extended hand of welcome
greeting. Into his book, Mr. Fuller has put the laugh-
ter of our own lives. Our highest and most grateful
appreciation of what he has done, will be to take the
laughter of his book into our own hearts.

ROBERT J. BURDETTE.

Cairo, Egypt, February 6, 1901.

"WHat Handsomely bound and il-

Happened lustrated with several full

to page drawings. It will

Wig'gleswortH " please everyone who likes

BY W. O. good innocent humor.

FULLER, JR. i2mo. Gilt Top. Price $1.50.

HENRY A. DICKERMAN A SON,

PUBLISHERS,

55 FranKlin Street, Boston.

Done in
types «5l pulled
off tne press
of

Lotinsbery
NicHols A
Wox-tH
Company-
Boston

UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY

Los Angeles
This book is DUE on the last date stamped below.

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